Mystery

God is a mystery. His love so deep I can't understand. I guess that is why I am called to trust though... as the definition of trust is to believe the best about someone when you have every reason not to. Funny thing is, I have plenty of reasons to trust God. He has done so much for me!

So fasting... I am wanting to, but I feel the Spirit telling me not to right now. I am being told to live. To go forth and allow the Lord to provide for me without worry. He takes care of my body, of my health, of everything! Just allow his provision to come and to not stress about what I will eat, what I will wear, how I will pay for school, time for schoolwork, studying for tests, visiting with people, etc... it is all in his control!

Thank you Lord!

Monday...

I am made new. I am made new. I am made new.
I am the daughter of the King. I am the daughter of the King. I am the daughter of the King.
I am loved by my Daddy. I am loved by my Daddy. I am loved by my Daddy.
He cares for me. He loves me. He protects me. He comforts me. He provides for me. He affirms me. He guides me. He leads me. He holds my hands. He carries me. He never lets me go.

"Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
Worship the Lord with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.
Know that the Lord is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
for the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations" Psalm 100

The Lord provides for me... he gives me blessings, not curses. He leads me and wakes me each morning. I will trust him. I will obey him. I will stop looking to my past and rather look towards the future, the eternal glory of the Lord. He is coming to reign on the earth!!!
Every moment is his. All I do he sees and he rejoices as I turn to seek him out.
Oh Lord, come and break my heart. I let all I am go to you! My reasoning, my thoughts, my mind, my heart, my strength, my body, my desires, my needs, my wants, my will; they are all yours! You are in control!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Thank you Lord for being in control! You take all my worries, all my brokenness, all my failures, and you set me free! You use me! You care for me!

Born Again!

I am made new! I have been set free! My savior has come and rescued me! I look back at my life and see all the pain that I have gone through and how thankful I am to have gone through the pain. Well, I mean, I could have done without the pain...but I am thankful for the experiences and growth that the pain gave me. Throughout my life I have had many periods of depression, of anger, of stuffing my emotions, of hiding behind food (and drink) as a comfort, of controlling my body so that no one would know the pain I was experiencing on the inside, anxiety disorders, fod intolerances, etc... Funny thing is though, most the time I was unaware of the deeper roots behind these issues. I totally thought they were just part of who I was and the way I would always live. Well, thank goodness that my Daddy (the one who knows me from the inside out... knows the hairs on my head... knows my every thought, every feeling... and more!) saw me and the way I was living and revealed that the actions and emotions I was experiencing were all based on lies! He revealed that there is freedom and that his love is greater than all the lies I was believing! He showed me the lies, the branches, and the roots of the feelings I was experiencing and he showed me that he loves me so much that he showers his forgiveness, his mercy, his grace, his healing, his power, and his love over my life! In his perfect love he drives out all fear!

He showed me that no matter what my past looks like, no matter what I did/do, no matter the lies I lived under, He loves me with an everlasting and relentless love. He never left me and He never will. He calls me beautiful and He showers his freedom over my life. He breaks every chain, he looses every bondage, and he allows me to be made new. "Whom the Son sets free is free indeed!"

It is so easy to know the truth... that we are free by the blood of the lamb.... but it can be hard sometimes to truly accept the truth and LIVE IT! In accepting the truth of God's love and freedom we are called to live a new life grounded in Him. He is our rock and we can do nothing without Him. He is our strength and our salvation. In him we place our trust. TRUST... now that is a bigger word than I thought. It is definitely something the Lord is calling me to and I am learning to do...one baby step at a time. He has created me with purpose and intention for his kingdom and He longs for me to live in that truth. I say I do, I say I will; but so often I catch myself falling back into believing old lies that play over my head saying things that do not align with God's Word in my life. Therefore, part of TRUST is listening to God's Word for me and living it out. Obey His voice and calling in my life and do not fear being vulnerable and weak! He loves us in our weakness! He rejoices in our tears! He just asks us to turn to him in our weakness rather than to food, movies, people, etc (our past). He guides me, He leads me and He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I do not have to worry about keeping up an image in His name for He is my image! I am simply His vessel, created to reflect his beauty! I can trust him in providing me with finances, with food/ drink (for he is the bread of life and living water), with brothers and sisters, with guidance and open doors to where he leads me. He is my rock and salvation and his plans for me are greater than any plans I could ever create for myself (no matter how extravagant they are!)

So I let go of myself... I let go of all my desires, needs, and wants... I let go of the need of validation and acceptance from the people around me.... I let go of the need to be known and loved by all.... ALL I NEED IS JESUS. I LONG FOR MY FATHER'S LOVE. HIS LOVE, HIS VALIDATION IS ALL I NEED. In Him I can do no wrong as I seek after Him. My will is His, my heart is His, my mind is His, my body is His. I die to myself so that I may live in Him.

Recently, a good friend of mine has come to a stage of life where she is rejecting me...and boy! does it hurt! However, I know- as I turn to my Savior- that He is in control and I do not need to fear! That He has created me and that I am free! That I am His light and His love and there is no one, there is nothing, in heaven or on earth that can separate me from His love! He is my Papa and He rejoices in me! He heals me! He touches the deepest depths of my heart and awakens me in his sweet love. He calls me out of the wilderness and leads me besides His still waters. He sets captives free through me. He gives me joy, He makes me wail/weep/ mourn for His people! He longs to see the lost turn to Him! He is bringing restoration and rebuilding His kingdom on this earth!

He is faithful and always there for me. He reveals memories from my childhood, my middle school, my high school years and shows me that he was always there! Praise the Lord! He gets into the cracks and creases of my heart and lets His love seep in! What a wonderful Savior!

Why not trust him? I mean... He sacrificed his Son, He sacrificed His life so that I could live... Shouldn't that be enough of a reason to sacrifice all I am to Him?

Our Daddy's Love!!!!

Oh my goodness! I have been broken down! The Lord, our Daddy has come and grabbed me! I was just sitting here in my chair (provided by Tiffany) and doing homework and all of a sudden I just felt overcome by the presence of the Lord. I cried!!! (For those who don't know this is a big deal! I rarely cry...though I feel the need so often!) Ya so basically He grabbed me and broke me down in His love! This is an answer to prayers! I have been asking the Lord for tears, for total surrender, for revelation of His love, and trust in his love.... and He has so faithfully given it to me! Why would I want to be in control when my Daddy will take care of everything?! He just lets me rest and live my life and He ensures that everything in my life is taken care of!

NO MORE BACK UP PLAN!

I am all God's! He is my Papa and He provides for me all that I need! He is so faithful! He is so kind! He is so generous! His love is overwhelming! It is so amazing... I can't even explain! Everyone should know this love! The love of the Father! The love of the one who comes to heal, to provide, to comfort, to give advice... I am His precious daughter, His "pearl", His princess, His beauty, His bride!!! He comes and rescues me from all my troubles and all my iniquities! I am all His and He is mine! He is my Papa, my Daddy, my Comforter, my Rescuer, my Enchanter, my Provider, my King, my Lord, my God.... and He loves me!!! AND HE LOVES YOU TOO!!!! HE WANTS YOU TO KNOW HIS LOVE!

He calls us gently and says "do not fear my precious. Yes, we live in a broken world, but I will take care of you. I will take all the pain of your past and present and future. Just come and lay it all at my feet. I set you free my darling!"

Coming Glory of God...

Yeah... so, basically God is restoring me! He is purifying my heart and cleansing me in his love! I am all his! All I do, all I am.... He has set me free!

Pride... and Humility

Tonight, as I work on my paper, I have come to a realization. I am living in fear and pride. I have found that this often manifests through my speech and interactions with others as well as through food. I have often come to the realization that sometimes when I eat it is out of fear and anxiety (yes... this is why my stomach hurts...anxiety is no good!) So I commit now to turn 180 degrees from my old ways of stuffing my emotions in food rather than healthily taking them to God and talking them out (or crying...come on tears!). So Lord, I come to you now and I cry out asking for forgiveness and thanking you for your grace and mercy! I turn from myself and run to you! I focus my attention on your kingdom and your will. I lose my soul, I lose my life in you! We must value others above ourselves!

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart


I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

Lyrics from "Worlds Apart" by Jars of Clay

Homework, Laughter, and Josh Groban

As I sit here doing homework (well... gathering ideas for my essay) with a room full of wonderful friends and Josh Groban playing in the background, I am feeling the need to get my thoughts out and organized... WHICH IS OKAY!!!

I had some lovely chats today with friends and have realized that it is A-OKAY to be sad, to have crushes, to be afraid, to procrastinate; because God is with me! God loves me! God takes care of me through everything!!!

Haha, but yes... now I must go back and write my paper.

Rain or Sun... He is Steadfast

God! I cry out to you!

I am so lost. I am so inadequate. I am not worthy. I am such a failure. I don't know what I'm doing or where I am going. I am scared. I am nothing compared to your awesome power.

That's okay my daughter. You are exactly where I want you. I love you. I am proud of you! You don't have to do anything to get my attention. I love you with a deep and unmoving love. I pursue you relentlessly. I want YOU! You asked me to take control. Well, that is what I am doing. I have all things in my control. Just TRUST me.

Lord, I do trust you. Really! Don't I??? I feel like it is my own thoughts that get in the way... I know you are great, I know all is in your hands, I know you never leave me, I know you provide me with everything, and most of all, I know you LOVE me!

Yes, I know you know my daughter. I know your every thought, I know your heart of hearts, I know your motivations, I know your fears. I don't care my daughter! Just let it go to me! I will take all of it! My life is waiting for you! Just LET GO. Lose your life for me. I know you are scared. I know you feel inadequate and don't know what to expect. I give you this promise though my darling, "I know the plans I have for you, I give you plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) I don't break my promises my sweetheart! I have life for you! Just lose control! Don't worry! Just come and rest in me and my love! Continue to pres into me and I will give you the peace that transcends understanding. I will bring you wisdom, power, authority, boldness, and perfect love. My love is made perfect in you my love! Do not be afraid. Yes, my love is great, "And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." (Ephesians 3:17-19)

God, Daddy, Papa, I'm scared.

It's okay darling. I'm here. I am holding you. You do not need to fear.

Who am I if I let go?

You are my daughter! The Daughter of the King. You are mine and I am yours. Your identity is in me. Humble yourself my daughter at my throne. I pick you up and place you on my shoulders. I carry you and dance with you. You are my child, "To all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—children born not of natural descent, not of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God" (John 1:12, 13). Just allow me to pick you up. My beautiful, please, let go of your fear, this stubbornness that requires you must have control. GIVE IT UP TO ME. I LOVE YOU. I KNOW YOU LONG TO BE FREE OF THIS FREEDOM. I HEAR THE CRIES OF YOUR HEART.

Come my Daughter. Come away with me my love.

I'm scared! I want to Lord! My heart is flipping within me! What must I do?

Let go.

But how?

Just do it. Live, Love, Laugh. I have created you for life. For people. Stop over thinking and trying to guess every next step I have for you. Just let yourself be carried by my wind; jump into the river and enjoy the ride! Stop over thinking and I will guide you! I love you and will not let anything come to harm you. I give you success and truth. Just continue to turn your eyes to me my love! You are my creation and I have designed you as you are for a purpose. You are a blessing.

Ok Lord! I let go! I give you control! Haaha you are so amazing! I will live FREE and not be afraid to let you take me everywhere I go. Speak through me. It is scary, but you give me strength. You carry me on your wings. I rest in the shadow if your wings. You are my fortress. No pride, no fear, no condemnation, no guilt, no regret. FREEDOM in Jesus' name! I will be your fool Lord. Take me into your wilderness and teach me your secrets! I fall into you and give you my all- my body, my mind, my heart, my will. My past no longer holds me in chains, my fear no longer has bondage over me. I am made new in your Holy name! I will turn my gaze to the Heaven's and trust in you! I am yours and you are mine! I love your love! You are steadfast!